Thursday
1. When expectations are made clear, and there is no wiggle room, a class clown can behave.
2. When adults expect the best, they get the best.
- when you clear the roads of life for your child, you believe your helping their self-esteem. WRONG, all you are doing is saying
“I think your so stupid that you cant do it for yourself so I will do it for you” ( similar to only saying things once)
-Many children are “Mommy deaf” and for a food reason. When rules change with mommy’s hormones, why bother to follow them.
How to respect your children:
- Never do for them what they can do and should do for themselves.
- Don’t repeat your instructions
- Expect the best of them
- Encourage them
Eg. If you 4 year old cleans her room on her own, although its not as clean as you would like her room, then don’t re clean it. Instead help them when they need it most.
Self Esteem and Self worth:
-There is a big difference between “Feeling good” about self
( self esteem) and self worth.
- Making children feel good is easy, just give them everything they want whenever they want it. But if you do your hedonistic little sucker turns into a adolescent big sucker. Then “Boomerang kids “Kids who felt good about themselves because mom and dad always took care of thing for them, now mom and dad are stuck in the role even thought that child is ready for the real world.
- Part of parenting is knowing when to draw the line on adult-children and push then out into society.
- Our jo of parenting is not to make a happy child. Unhappy is healthy. Eg. If you are happy and everything is going good are you motivated to change? It’s when things don’t go right that we start to evaluate change.
-Felling good is temporary. It’s based on feelings, which change from minute to minute. They should feel good by working for it.
-Provide experiences where children pull their own weight, and learn responsibility and accountability, that’s establishing healthy self-worth.
Pillars of Self- Worth
A) Acceptance B) Belonging C) Competence
Acceptance:
-Unconditional acceptance of you child means everything in development.
-A child lives up to the expectations you hold for her.
-If you portray “Your dumb” no self-worth. If you portray “You can do it” then you have self-worth.
-Children can fly on one compliment, but it has to be true, if you want them to believe it. (oh dad just said that because he has to) is what they end up thinking
-If children don’t find unconditional acceptance at home, they look for it in peer groups, who accept them, even though they can’t really help the kid.
-Does accepting your child mean accepting everything he does? No, kids do dumb things, but always extend unconditional love and acceptance for them, not the dumb act or behaviour that you man not agree with. If you do he might not look to his peer group.
Belonging:
-Every child needs to belong somewhere, with family (at home) or with the peer groups ( like in a gang)
-From the get-go establish your home as a place to belong.
-Let the family vote, listen to others, support each others activities, set aside family time, don’t loose family dinners or family vacations.
-Friends will change, family stays “we are the family and we belong”
-If there is no sense of belonging there will be no relationship. With out relationship, your rules, your words , and your actions mean nothing, you will drive them to find acceptance and belonging outside your home.
Competence:
-want to empower your kids. Give them responsibility.
-when they take the initiative to do a job say “good job, I bet your proud of you”. That gives inspiration to them to do it again and feel proud.
-Parents should set parameters for them to make, create, and excel at things and then day “good job” we will make them feel that they can do it if mom believe in them.
-They develop self-worth by contributing to a project, or a project of there own.
-If you allow them to be competent they will and, if they fail. They learn how to do things differently, as responsibility increases ,so does their confidence in their competence That’s how you prepare them for the real world.
-Children long for acceptance, and ache to belong. Want to have competence. If you don’t give it, peers will, but you matter more in their life.
Praise Vs Encouragement
“Your so smart, you built that Lego tower all by yourself”
“Your so cute when you do that. I cant wait to show nana”
-That is praise, if you asked any parent if praise is good or their children they would say yes. But their wrong. Praise isn’t good for kids, because most of the time is it dumbed up, to make them feel good and kids are smart enough to know difference.
-it’s never good to associate “goodness” or “cuteness” with how a child does a task, if that child did that task bad would that make them “Badness” or “ugly” see where its going?
-Praise link a child’s worth to what they have done, a chold sees it as “if I don’t do good all the time, then I’m is not worth anything and mom and dad won’t love me”
-GO back to the pillars “acceptance, belonging and competence. Unconditional acceptance no matter what they do, to know they always belong to your household, and to learn competence. All there pillars can be knocked down by false praise.
Instead Encourage your child:
-Encouragement emphasizes the act and not the person.
-”I love what you built with your Lego’s. It’s very creative and fun, and you did it by yourself, what are you going to build next?”
-”That’s a fun cheer, were did you learn that”
-when you encourage the act, you encourage the child to be competent and to try something else in that area.
-little by little encouragement builds a core foundation of self worth that will help with peer pressure.
-Encourage what they do. “You helped your little sister, I appreciate it, you have a kinds heart to do suck a thing”
-This helps children on and solidifies their pillars of self worth.
What to do for Thursday:
1) How can you show your child unconditional acceptance?
2) How can you emphasize belonging in your family?
3) In what ways can you spur your child on to competence?
4) Think about the difference between praise and encouragement, what truly encouraging thing can you say to your child today?
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